I have a problem being honest with myself. I have a problem with authentic living. I have a problem with saying something and doing the opposite. I have a problem with over-sharing with the wrong people, and isolating myself from the good people. I have a problem with the way people perceive me. Whatever my intentions are, the opposite typically happens.
This means burdensome living for me and a lack of self love that I have trouble escaping.
I’m not gong to tell you about my deep-rooted issues. This is my blog, sure, but its for the benefit of you. I write about self-actualization simply for the hope of a spark in someone else…So listen closely and answer honestly to these next questions.
What is the worst thing you’ve ever done? Answer truthfully.
Cheated on an ex? Sabotaged someone innocent? Stolen? Told a lie when you knew how important the truth was? When I asked myself this question, I knew the answer came too quickly.
What is the best thing you’ve ever done? Answer truthfully.
Saved a life? Given to the homeless? Told someone the truth when you knew they wanted to hear a lie? When I asked myself this question, to be honest, I blanked.
Why? Why does the bad always outweigh the good? I could explain the time I gave a girl in my fourth grade class $180 of my own money after her house burned down. I could explain all of the elaborate gifts I gave to my best friend when she needed to be blessed. I could explain the few times I jumped into the lazy river at work to help struggling swimmers… I could explain the time I lied to all of my closest friends because I had to spare myself the feeling of guilt that I knew I’d feel under their stares and scolds.
So many good things are so easily overshadowed by a single burden.
What weighs more? A ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
They both weigh a ton—2,000 pounds of stone or 2,000 of feathers. One boulder or thousands of feathers? One bad doing or a thousand acts of kindness?
Recently, the boulder has flattened my inspiration and self-esteem. I felt as if one mistake was the end of the kind, compassionate, and ambitious woman that I have tried so hard to manifest.
But I am still a woman of compassion and kindness. I am forgiving myself, foremost, and challenging others with the same feat.
There is no such thing as a defining moment, good or bad. The small acts of kindness are equally as important as I made my iniquities to be.
All there is to do in life is forgive and fight hard. Forgive yourself. Fight your selfish tendencies if you don’t like them. Achieve who you want to be. Fight for good karma.
Push your chin up, smile wide, and wrap your arms around your shoulders. You deserve your own embrace. Self love is the secret to a fearless and forgiven tomorrow. May your feathers fall from the sky and shower those to your left and right. May that burdensome boulder fall into the lake of love at the bottom of your intentions, and the bag of bricks you keep slung over your shoulder be masoned into four walls that will fortify your absolution.
Much love,
Ev.
Pathways 