In a sea of seven billion, feeling lost and purposeless is not a rare occurrence. As I prepare to leave for college, and quite possibly the biggest adventure in my life thus far, I’m left feeling extremely lost. What will make me so special from the hundreds of other people with my exact same degree? Whats the point of spending so much money for a piece of paper? Why does society pressure us to conform to the unrealistic ideals of those before us? So many unanswered questions!
But then, it dawned on me! I’m going to answer some of these questions. This past year has been full of so many life changing decisions and when I’m asked “why” I made the choices that I’ve made, I realized that my answers are either very vague or just complete bullcrap. It’s time that I start being honest with myself and answer every “why” to the best of my ability.
Here is a list of the “why’s” that poke at my purpose and how I should and shouldn’t be answering each one.
Why aren’t you pursuing musical theatre in college?
Typically when I’m begged this question, I respond by saying theres not enough stability in theatre as a profession. I retreat to a sensible answer that any working man or woman in a professional career will understand. But that’s not really why I’m opting out of theatre in college! I’m a dreamer through and through. Instability doesn’t frighten me the way it does others. Maybe that’s due to my faith or simply the fact that I know performers who have made it big in the art industry. Nevertheless, the real reason I will not be continuing to perform professionally is simply because I don’t want to. Theres not some big scary answer… The answer to this “why” is plainly because that is not where I see myself in five years. But when asked why I’m straying from the theatre, I manipulate my answer so that others might understand it better. Being dishonest with myself in the presence of others has consequentially backfired and I now question my choice in pausing my theatrics. Perhaps if I didn’t require validation in others as much, or if I didn’t constantly feel the need to be logical in the presence of adults, I wouldn’t have such mixed emotions about my career. My point is: You don’t have to have it all figured out and you absolutely don’t have to explain to anyone “why!“
Why did you pick this school?
During freshman orientation, this question came up frequently. I never knew how to respond! Most of the time I just fell back onto four words that needed no further explanation: “It just felt right!” If I’m being honest, I’m always too lazy to explain my choice in college, because it was not an easy decision to make. I applied to six schools; Three of my application picks were Christian schools, one was for theatre, one was my state university, and the other was Christopher Newport. There were a lot of reasons I selected CNU as home for the next four years–maybe it was the scholarship I received, maybe it was because I have family nearby, maybe it was because I despised the other schools that I had toured, or maybe it was because my best friend would be coming with me– regardless, I always opt out of answering this complicated “why” and by doing so, I undermine my ability to trust my own decision making skills. I avoid complexity when answering “why” and end up simplifying my purpose because I can’t be bothered to be honest with myself. Do not be lazy when it comes to standing firm and supporting your decisions.
Why did you start blogging?
“Its super therapeutic!” “My mother wanted to show my grandma my writing.” “Its good practice for my major!” Yes, these are all valid answers but they are not completely truthful. When I was in sixth grade I started a youtube channel where I would post room tours, DIYs, and other beauty guru trends that were all the rage in 2010. That is, until, a boy in my grade began to play my videos aloud in class. Needless to say, I went home, cried, and deleted my channel immediately. However, even in sixth grade, I knew I wanted to work on the internet. This is my dream! This blog is what I want to do with my life one day. This blog is what I’m going to school for. This blog is how I’ll make a name for myself…It’s not to make my grandma proud or to bulk up my resume. This blog is for me and my dreams to have a place to marinate and flourish whilst advising my readers. Every time I am asked this “why” I feel the need to make myself small because I am too embarrassed to share my ambitions with the world. But that’s just it! The world will never know what dreams to let you catch if you’re too embarrassed to be honest. Take whatever steps necessary to get where you want to go and never be too afraid or embarassed to answer the question “why” with honesty, even if you do end up on the projector of your sixth grade English class.
My hope is that whoever might be reading this can now identify at least one “why” that they, themselves, have been struggling to answer. Do not feel like you always have to explain yourself, but remember to be honest in all situations, whether it be with yourself or another party. Whenever you are asked “why” do not make up an answer and search for validation through the other person. The more you hide the truth from yourself, the more you convince yourself that dishonesty is correct. Be true to your intuition and avoid being in situations where YOU don’t even know why. Always live with purpose and intent and do not hide from the your own truth!
Pathways 